Deconstructing my dreams

The huge smiling face of Lauren Graham was not enough to pick up my spirits on the way to work today. I woke up late and very upset about it. It even affected my dreams. I had a dream that has been a recurring theme for many years, even though it might have different details. I was taking the CPA exam again (which I will never have to do, since I passed on my first time, 13 years ago, ) and was panicking since I could not get the exam started. It was taking place in a big auditorium, like Hale Auditorium in the old Michigan Business School (which might have been torn down by now), and I could not find a place to sit that wasn't taken or saved, or that was comfortable, or I could write my exam. The exam, while I knew it was the CPA exam, had nothing to do with accounting, and the booklet was like a binder of baseball cards. If I could find a place to sit for a few minutes, I would start to write my exam and found that I didn't have the paper to write on, or when I started to write the answers, I looked at the paper and you couldn't read my answers since it was scrap paper for something else, so I had to find more paper, and all the time I can see everyone else calmly getting through the exam and even treating like a party, with refreshments outside the room and people moving in and out and just having a grand old time. I woke up in a panic. I felt like my chest was tight.

The wrong reaction was to lay back down and try to relax, since I soon fell asleep and that made me late.

I know the meaning of the dream, like I said, the theme is something I have dealt with for a while. It was a subconscious knowledge of not being able to get started on something, mostly not being able to get up and start the day as I want, and consequently, not getting forward in my life. The problem is simple, I am not programming myself to make the correct decision in the morning. I need to put more effort (a "deliberate and determined effort" as my therapist puts it) into the programming the night before so that when the alarm goes off, the only thought in my head is Get Up and into the shower. Never again can it be, oh, I can sleep another 9 minutes or I just need a little more rest. I cannot do that anymore, it causes to much stress on me, my friends, family, co-workers, bosses. My bosses have been very good to me, and it time I start being better to them. Some would say that would indicate I should not be blogging at work, but I assure you there is a process running in the background that takes up a lot of my computer processing power and concentration if I let it. It's also my lunch time. But you are still correct, I should be working harder.

As I said at the beginning, Lauren didn't get me into a good mood, but her and the Taco salad for lunch finally did. In a strong position for a good afternoon of work. I have fruit here, plenty of water and a plan for the rest of the day.

Work until 7
go home, cook the sirloin patty in my fridge, with some asparagus and rice.
clean kitchen
straighten house and put clothes away
go to gym (including some hot tub time)
go to bed

A good afternoon and evening, and all the time I will be putting the correct message in my brain (another quote from my therapist) about getting up on time tomorrow, and Saturday. And from now on.

BTW, my friend Kathy is in Nawlin's for Jazz fest, just wanted to say hi and wish her a great time.

Sean