Great quote

"There are two kinds of people, those that allow reality and experience to define and constantly modify their ideas and those who insist that their ideas define reality. The first kind make things work. The second type (be they right wing creationists, or progressive purists) stand on the sidelines wringing their hands and criticizing the doers for their "heresy," because doing anything in the real world always equals compromise, learning and change. " Frank Schaeffer http://www.huffingtonpost.com/frank-schaeffer/obamas-critics-from-the-l_b_147173.html

Poem: Ain't never done right

When I look back over my life
Such a vicious tally is what I see
I ain’t never done right by nobody
That has done right by me
So much negative karma
My soul could never be free

I spent part of the night trying to fall asleep
Bad thoughts running through my head
All kicked off by one thought, one sight
Seeing my dog licking her leg until it was raw
Seeing the pink skin where she was trying to stop the itching, the pain
And after I turned off the light, listening to her licking her leg
I could only think I hadn’t done right by her

I could only think I hadn’t done right by her
I could only think I hadn’t done right by anyone or anything in my life
My thoughts expanded from around my bedroom,
The unclean house
The unfixed doors
The unmown lawn
The crumbling porch
The half – done garden path
I reviewed more of my life
I hadn’t done right by my dog
I hadn’t done right by my friends
By my parents
By my brother
By my grandparents
By the rest of my family

I haven’t done right by my job
I haven’t done right by my coworkers

I haven’t done right by my ideas
By my intelligence
By my luck in life
By those that have helped me be in a place where I could be doing great things

I have a friend that people flock to
She makes everyone feel like a better person when they are around her
And warms their hearts when they think of her
She does more for people than it would even occur for other people to do
She’s so far in the positive side
She would never think how something would be for her benefit
And that’s what makes her great

My parents
I am not sure what I can say about my parents
I know they would do anything simply to make sure we kids were happy
Regardless of how it would affect them
We have taken advantage of that at times
Although I am trying not to anymore

I am an intelligent person, I can grasp big numbers
I can’t measure what I owe them
I can’t think of how I would begin to pay them back
To reciprocate for them, for anyone, what they have done for me
To get me to where I should be great
And it is much worse to know I am not great
I think I have talent and desire
Talent and desire without drive is utterly meaningless
Much more painful than failing
A much bigger sin to count

My friends have been so good to me
Tried to lift when I tired so hard to dive
And I have let so many of them slip away
I haven’t done right by them, not by a long shot

I haven’t given back anywhere near what I have received
I am the opposite of my golden friend above
She radiates love and is strengthened by it
I simply suck
Suck love given to me and am weakened by it
By not returning stronger than I get

I ain’t never done right by those that done right by me

10/5/05 1:42:32 AM

Diatribe on my pathetic-ness

Hey there world. Wanted to tell you of a not real pleasant set of realizations. I have long wanted to be rich and/or famous. I really only wanted this for one reason - I want to have sex with beautiful women. That's it, and maybe go to some nice places, mainly to have sex with beautiful women, buy a few nice things, to get beautiful women. Maybe I want to buy some nice toys, electronics and such, and watch some great sporting events and play golf in great places to, which would likely not lead to sex with beautiful women. Those would be mainly to pass the time between episodes of sex with beautiful women. Sense a pattern yet.
I have been lonely for most of my life, and I have loved the female form for all my life. I have, and I said this long before 40 year old virgin, put women on a pedestal and never thought I deserved a beautiful woman, a woman, love, companionship, anything that others find makes life worth living.
I feel like the only way I can attract a woman is being rich or famous.
People try to tell me good things about me to cheer me up, but I can only think of the shortcomings that I know exist and the failings that have made up my life.
I have thought recently that the attractiveness formula is something like - beauty + confidence + money/fame. Since I am low on the first two, I would need excessive amounts of the third.
I did once have dreams of being a great writer, since that is the only thing where I have any skills, the amount can be said to be minimal, but I used to think I had just gobs of it. But to be a writer you need both talent, which I have minimal, and ambition. I have no ambition to change. I used to wait until I was inspired to write before I would. (This led to a lot of mediocre poems to waitresses and exotic dancers. I thought of publishing a book of these, and I actually had a good title that I can't remember anymore - something like Songs of Longing or something similarly pretentious.) But I rarely sat down to develop ideas for short stories or movies. Now I just don't get inspired anymore. I don't think it is a step forward.
If I could give up my want of beautiful women, and the amount of time I spend fantasizing and watching them, I think my life would be alot less depressing and I would get a lot more done. This week alone, I have been enraptured with Carrie Keagan, Salma Hayek, my best friend and Rosario Dawson. Each of them have taken up significant amounts of my time in my thoughts in appreciation of their beauty and my dreams of being with them. Mostly pathetic. A certain amount of desire is probably allowed, much of the entertainment industry is based on this, this much though is pathetic.
So my life is an unhappy one, and the problem is that is it my fault. i got myself into financial trouble (sure, which is close to being rectified, but still important), i am the one that has trouble getting to work on time, and i am the one that has never done anything to follow or force my way to my dreams. That seems like a good point. you don't follow your dreams, you force your way into them. i think this is why i am fascinated by the creative process, and enjoy learning about it, why i watch dvd commentaries, comedy documentaries, read books like Born Standing up by Steve martin (excellent by the way).
I think I keep waiting for a massive inspiration or the perfect girl to fall into my lap. or at least my line of sight. everybody does try to tell me this won't happen, which means i have to do something, but doing something is hard, and usually doesn't pay off. Right now (as of this writing) I am watching Otis Redding perform Satisfaction - i can't get no satisfaction - no matter how i try (C Jagger/Richards) - i am not trying. i think there are to many things i have to make an effort towards, so i want to do none of them. That has got to be wrong, as it hasn't really worked yet. i wish i could accept that i am not going to be great, or rich, or in love.